U.S. Saving Less Daylight

Facing Worst Crisis Since Great Time Depression Of 1898

By Sherman N. Peabody

Washington, D.C.-  It's official: The United States is in a time recession.

According to experts at the Time Service Department of the U.S. Naval Observatory, the nation's official time keeper, the United States is wasting- even killing- more time than it is saving.

"We have a real crisis on our hands right now," said U.S.N.O. spokesperson, Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding. "We have been losing time at increasingly stunning rates for 36 months in a row. The average United States citizen in 1970 had more time on his or her hands than he or she knew how to use, and now we are in debt to China for more time than we have. We owe trillions of minutes to other nations."

Where have all the good times gone?   According to the latest figures, the leading culprit is pitching changes in Major League Baseball, followed by masturbation, text messaging and browsing the internet phenomenon known as Lolcats.

"We face very short, very dark days in the near future if we don't put down our phones and our dicks, and quit signaling to the bullpen four times in the sixth inning," said Spaulding, who went on, "and who finds those damned Lolcats that amusing anyway? What does 'I can haz cheezburger' even mean?"    

Booker T. and the MGs could not be reached for comment.