O'Keefe Named AoS 'Hunk of the Year'

By Sherman N. Peabody

Valdosta, GA-  Ace of Spades, the on-line blog for conservative closeted homosexuals, announced today that it has named bad boy 'gotcha journalist' James O'Keefe the recipient of its annual Roy M. Cohn Sexiest Man of the Year Award.

O'Keefe was selected by a blue ribbon panel of high-profile conservative closeted homosexuals headed by former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who announced O'Keefe as the winner at the prestigious Valdosta Chamber of Commerce and Men's Bathhouse. Appearing at the podium with his faithful and loving wife, Suzanne, Craig noted O'Keefe's contributions to the conservative movement in the field of journalism, and, "...his ability to seduce, uh, women at the tap of a toe. That is what my loving heterosexual wife- with whom I have a happy heterosexual marriage and enjoy much gleeful heterosexual intercourse involving fuzzy handcuffs, recording devices and the music of Alicia Keys- tells me."

Former conservative closeted homosexual and Congressional Representative Mark Foley, who served as the chairman of the Cohn  Award's panel from 2003 until 2006, was enthusiastic over Mr. O'Keefe's selection. "Twenty-six is a bit old for my tastes, but when I picture him in a Congressional pages outfit or thong underwear, the years just wash away." Foley added that he has, "...many Alicia Keys cds, my own fuzzy handcuffs and a sex taping machine."

"I invite Mr. O'Keefe to pay me a visit the next time he's in Florida- he can tap my wires any day," said Foley, referring to Mr. O'Keefe's recent brush with the law in Louisiana, in which O'Keefe was arrested for suspicion of wiretapping Senator Mary Landrieu's office. O'Keefe later plead guilty to the lesser misdemeanor of Criminal Seduction, admitting that he was attempting to overwhelm the Senator's sense of propriety by planting recordings of Alicia Keys in the Senator's office.    

O'Keefe, 26, a native of Bergen, New Jersey is the youngest winner of the Cohn Award since then-outgoing Senator Phil Gramm, aged 60-years at the time, was presented the award in 2002.   
 

Jesus Returns, Has 'Come To Jane' Moment

Decides To Delay Salvation After Confrontation With Liberal Blogger
By Sherman N. Peabody 

New York City- Messiah, Son of God or prophet to some, heretic, false prophet or purely mythical figure to others, Jesus Christ made a surprise appearance at the United Nations today, only to suddenly postpone his plans for returning humanity to the Garden of Eden.

"I apologize for the disappointment," said the long- time resident of the Holy Kingdom to a throng of supporters and onlookers gathered on the banks of the East River, "but after my conference call with the media, I've decided that We just don't have the energy to accomplish even half of what We have planned."

Following a meeting with the representatives of all Earthly nations in which an agreement was reached to end all want and warfare on the planet, Christ offered himself for a teleconference with any and all members of both the traditional and nontraditional media who wished to take part. That's when he ran into obstacles.

After reading a prepared statement in which he laid out plans to provide materially and spiritually for all on Earth- food and shelter for all, an end to disease, injury and death, and reuniting the living with deceased loved ones, ancestors and pets, Christ opened the teleconference to questions. He was then confronted with the cynicism of the punditry and press in the form of Jane Hamsher, former Hollywood producer and currently a self-styled liberal blogger and political activist.

"This all sounds very nice and all," remarked Hamsher, currently of Washington D.C., "but when will we get our unicorns?"

Christ's answer, that His Father had never created such a mythical creature, instead allowing all of life on Earth evolve naturally drew the ire of Ms. Hamsher.

"Look," replied Hamsher, "I have suffered through three bouts of cancer, and though I've denied You at times- like Your Apostle, Peter- in my heart of hearts I believed in Your message of hope. I hoped for a unicorn and will settle for nothing less!"

After Christ again informed Hamsher that this was impossible under God's Law, Hamsher repeatedly accused the native of Nazareth, Judea (now Israel) of being what she termed an "O-Bot", "...just another of sheep...," and, "...a ------- shill for the DNC!"

Christ replied that in the Heavenly primary, which in 2007 was held on its traditional date of December 26, He had led the campaign for John Edwards. "I was just as shocked as the rest of you when those allegations in the [National] Enquirer turned out to be true. The next chance I got to vote was in the general [election], and you don't think I voted for McCain and the whack-job, do you? I'm a Jew, and those of Us of that persuasion in Heaven tend to vote the Democratic ticket...Magdalene always writes in Kucinich...But My Apostles, the female vote and the  baptised babies have always voted Democratic, unlike the Popes, who went for McCain."

Unsatisfied, Ms. Hamsher delivered a twenty-minute diatribe blaming Christ and His Father for a range of historical misdeeds from misogyny in the Catholic Church to the Spanish Inquisition to the cancellation of FOX Television's Arrested Development.

Christ, seemingly unperturbed, if not a bit impatient, declined to comment, and asked if others had questions. At this point, Mr. Glenn Greenwald, a libertarian blogger and co-founder with Ms. Hamsher of a political action committee, asked Christ if rapture wasn't "...just another name for renditioning?"

At this point, Christ canceled the teleconference with the statement, "For My sake! You people are f------ impossible! I'm going home. I'll see some of you later."

After wishing good luck to those gathered at the United Nations, He bodily ascended to rejoin His Father amidst a clamor of questions from gathered reporters. "There's always next year," He said. "Go, Cubs, Go!"