U.S. Saving Less Daylight

Facing Worst Crisis Since Great Time Depression Of 1898

By Sherman N. Peabody

Washington, D.C.-  It's official: The United States is in a time recession.

According to experts at the Time Service Department of the U.S. Naval Observatory, the nation's official time keeper, the United States is wasting- even killing- more time than it is saving.

"We have a real crisis on our hands right now," said U.S.N.O. spokesperson, Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding. "We have been losing time at increasingly stunning rates for 36 months in a row. The average United States citizen in 1970 had more time on his or her hands than he or she knew how to use, and now we are in debt to China for more time than we have. We owe trillions of minutes to other nations."

Where have all the good times gone?   According to the latest figures, the leading culprit is pitching changes in Major League Baseball, followed by masturbation, text messaging and browsing the internet phenomenon known as Lolcats.

"We face very short, very dark days in the near future if we don't put down our phones and our dicks, and quit signaling to the bullpen four times in the sixth inning," said Spaulding, who went on, "and who finds those damned Lolcats that amusing anyway? What does 'I can haz cheezburger' even mean?"    

Booker T. and the MGs could not be reached for comment.

HonkyTronics Rushes Release Of CrackerBot v.2.1

                    Mr. & Mrs. Tea prototypes during testing

Hit Shelves On 10/19

By Sherman N. Peabody

Stepford, KS- In a move that analysts call an attempt to, '..steal the spotlight...' from KenroboTech's much-anticipated Obama-bot 2.0, HonkyTronics President and CEO Larry Honky today announced the early release of the CrackerBot 2.1 line, nicknamed Mr. & Mrs. Tea.

"We just couldn't make real Americans wait any longer," said Honky, "There's too much at stake."

The CrackerBot line- so dubbed for the reboot feature that causes the lifelike androids to relocate to the nearest Cracker Barrel restaurant when confronted with logic- debuted to less-than-stellar reviews but booming sales in March, 2009, has seen the version 2.0 breaking down repeatedly since its debut.

"We really didn't foresee the peccadilloes inherent in the 2.0 Candidates line," said Honky. "Witchcraft, Nazi re-creation, Aqua Buddha...These were all due to the weak CPU of the 2.0. We think we've fixed that problem."

Obama 2.0

                  Obama 2.0 in pensive mode.

Nov. 3 Launch Date Announced

By Sherman N. Peabody


Mombassa, Kenya- Gerald Kenrobo, Founder and CEO of KenroboTech Industries, the world's leading manufacturer of Negdroids, announced today the long-awaited launch of Obama-bot 2.0.


"November 3, 2010 will be a great day for Kenya and Africa," said Kenrobo. "With the new and improved Obama-bot 2.0, with titanium jaw, super vision and action dashiki, we will rule the world."

Other features will include a strengthened visceral hatred of caucasians, improved witch doctor skills and a more accurate fist-bumping feature. Also included in the package is a forged long form Hawaiian birth certificate.  

Conspiracy Theorist Comes Clean, Admits Role

                           Blogger Bradley Powers

Spontaneously Combusts In Solipsistic Flourish After Admission

By Sherman N. Peabody

Waukegan, IL- Conspiracy theorist and blogger Bradley Powers of suburban Chicago spent the last 15 years convincing tens of people that the world is controlled by a highly secretive, malevolent cabal. Little did he know that at the center of that cabal was Bradley Powers.

"Dude," said Mr. Powers, 47, at his press conference, held in the Cheetoh-littered basement of his mother's home in Waukegan, "this is some freaky s---."  

What, exactly, was so freaky about this s---?

"I've been thinking forever- since I was like five or six- that there's, like, been some collusion between the military-industrial complex, the governments of all of the world's major powers, the Freemasons, the Jews and  Buddy Ebsen to control how we live. And I was right, which isn't a surprise. What's shocking is that I'm responsible, which I've never even considered that I even could be," said Powers, who fashioned his first tinfoil hat at the age of 4.

"So, like, last weekend I'm tripping balls, right? It's the best blotter I've ever dropped- better than that Zodiac that was going around in '84, and, anyway, I'm writing a post for my blog, TruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruth, about giant invisible rabbits in our midst, when I start thinking of green rabbits. So I say 'Green rabbits' three times, and all of a sudden I've got all these men in black crashing into my room here, led by this dude to my left, Mr. Oscar Goldman of the Office of Scientific Intelligence."

Scientists Discover 'Winemuffs'

Find Correlation Between Boxed Wine and Tone Deafness

By Sherman N. Peabody
Madison, WI- The findings of a joint study conducted by the Department of Audiology of the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the Department of Psychiatry of McGill University (Montreal, QC, Canada) were released today , directly linking the cumulative effects of the consumption of boxed wine by humans to an inability to hear dog whistles.

"Entering the data collection phase of the study, " said Dr. Donald Olson of UW-M, "we weren't sure if wine-related tone deafness was determined by the aural environment- such as exposure to loud, whining talk radio programs  or the volume of jukeboxes in taverns- or from a wine-induced drunken state, or a combination of those factors. But we stumbled on to something a bit unexpected."

"That something being," added  Dr. Francis X. Dion of McGill,, "that one need be neither wine-drunk nor exposed to an environment  reverberating at excessive decibel levels to lose the ability to hear a dog whistle."

"There was a certain case study that demonstrated that there is a cumulative effect of drinking boxed wine on the anterior frontal lobe rather than the temporal lobes, which normally handle the auditory functions," said Olson. "That's when I contacted Dr. Dion."

"When I first saw the brain scans of that subject, whom we refer to as Ann A., who regularly consumed boxed wine, though she wasn't drinking at the time of this particular interview, and the critical thinking tasks being performed during the scan, I thought 'C'est craqué! How is it that this woman could not hear the dog whistles?'," said Dr. Dion, "It was so obvious! Further study showed us that Ann A. is an outlier in the study, but it was she who made us at McGill to join the study."

After further study, the team of scientists found that some groups tend to be more at risk of losing their ability to hear certain tones. "It looks as if Caucasians between the ages of 40-90-years of age are more susceptible, especially those who also feel an affinity for tea," said Olson.

"Mais alors, we should note that the test subjects may simply have been dishonest in their answers," added Dion.

The methodology and results can be read at the Daily Racing Form.

'THIS SUCKS!

Pos-T-Vac Endorsers' Not-So-Shocking Simultaneous Suicides 

By Sherman N. Peabody

Washington, DC- In a turn of events that authorities are calling, "...totally foreseeable...," seven men, six who offered recorded testimonials on behalf of the Pos-T-Vac, the medically approved vacuum therapy system, have died in their homes across the United States. FBI spokeswoman Frances Langum informed the press that the bureau's team of forensic psychologists have come to the conclusion that the six spokesmen for the product, "...were driven to their ends by a deep and unsettling sense of  shameful embarrassment."

The deceased were identified as:

• Gerardo Dones, aged 59, of Rancho Cucamonga, CA, "Latino Guy", who died of self-inflicted paper-cuts.
• Ruben Harvey Goldberg IV, 59, of Parma, OH, "Black Guy", who died from a self-inflicted (longbow) arrow wound.
• Steven Parker, 59, of Walla Walla, WA, "Professor Guy", who died of  self-inflicted drawing-and-quartering.
• Matthew Van Landingham III, 59, of Truth Or Consequences, NM, "Creepy White Guy" who was electrocuted after sticking his tongue in a wall-mounted electrical socket. 
• John Amato, 59, of Los Angeles, CA, "All-You-Can-Be Guy" who died of strangulation after hanging himself from the door of a closet.
• Paul McCann, 59, of Pocatello, ID, "Scary White Guy", who overdosed on prescription male performance enhancement drugs.
• Tommy "Fawn Lee McCann" Tamsat, 33, of Pocatello, ID, companion of Paul McCann, who was apparently bludgeoned to death with a bottle of  prescription male performance enhancement drugs.

WE HAVE A WINNER!

By The Editors

We at the Far-Flung Flier would like to congratulate the winner of our September Far-Flung Fiction contest:  Job well done, Name Withheld By Request of Iowa City, IA, for  your story, "Dear Penthouse Forum", the story of a male student at a major Midwestern university and how he learns to love through lessons from his 38-year old Human Sexuality professor, her precocious 15-year old daughter and their trained beagle, Fluffy.

As always, if you'd like to read the winning story, you must subscribe to the hard copy edition of the F-FF.

We are now accepting submissions for October's Far-Flung Fiction contest. As we always say, keep 'em coming!