Saturday, October 16, 2010

U.S. Saving Less Daylight

Facing Worst Crisis Since Great Time Depression Of 1898

By Sherman N. Peabody

Washington, D.C.-  It's official: The United States is in a time recession.

According to experts at the Time Service Department of the U.S. Naval Observatory, the nation's official time keeper, the United States is wasting- even killing- more time than it is saving.

"We have a real crisis on our hands right now," said U.S.N.O. spokesperson, Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding. "We have been losing time at increasingly stunning rates for 36 months in a row. The average United States citizen in 1970 had more time on his or her hands than he or she knew how to use, and now we are in debt to China for more time than we have. We owe trillions of minutes to other nations."

Where have all the good times gone?   According to the latest figures, the leading culprit is pitching changes in Major League Baseball, followed by masturbation, text messaging and browsing the internet phenomenon known as Lolcats.

"We face very short, very dark days in the near future if we don't put down our phones and our dicks, and quit signaling to the bullpen four times in the sixth inning," said Spaulding, who went on, "and who finds those damned Lolcats that amusing anyway? What does 'I can haz cheezburger' even mean?"    

Booker T. and the MGs could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

HonkyTronics Rushes Release Of CrackerBot v.2.1

                    Mr. & Mrs. Tea prototypes during testing

Hit Shelves On 10/19

By Sherman N. Peabody

Stepford, KS- In a move that analysts call an attempt to, '..steal the spotlight...' from KenroboTech's much-anticipated Obama-bot 2.0, HonkyTronics President and CEO Larry Honky today announced the early release of the CrackerBot 2.1 line, nicknamed Mr. & Mrs. Tea.

"We just couldn't make real Americans wait any longer," said Honky, "There's too much at stake."

The CrackerBot line- so dubbed for the reboot feature that causes the lifelike androids to relocate to the nearest Cracker Barrel restaurant when confronted with logic- debuted to less-than-stellar reviews but booming sales in March, 2009, has seen the version 2.0 breaking down repeatedly since its debut.

"We really didn't foresee the peccadilloes inherent in the 2.0 Candidates line," said Honky. "Witchcraft, Nazi re-creation, Aqua Buddha...These were all due to the weak CPU of the 2.0. We think we've fixed that problem."

Obama 2.0

                  Obama 2.0 in pensive mode.

Nov. 3 Launch Date Announced

By Sherman N. Peabody

Mombassa, Kenya- Gerald Kenrobo, Founder and CEO of KenroboTech Industries, the world's leading manufacturer of Negdroids, announced today the long-awaited launch of Obama-bot 2.0.

"November 3, 2010 will be a great day for Kenya and Africa," said Kenrobo. "With the new and improved Obama-bot 2.0, with titanium jaw, super vision and action dashiki, we will rule the world."

Other features will include a strengthened visceral hatred of caucasians, improved witch doctor skills and a more accurate fist-bumping feature. Also included in the package is a forged long form Hawaiian birth certificate.  

Monday, October 11, 2010

Conspiracy Theorist Comes Clean, Admits Role

                           Blogger Bradley Powers

Spontaneously Combusts In Solipsistic Flourish After Admission

By Sherman N. Peabody

Waukegan, IL- Conspiracy theorist and blogger Bradley Powers of suburban Chicago spent the last 15 years convincing tens of people that the world is controlled by a highly secretive, malevolent cabal. Little did he know that at the center of that cabal was Bradley Powers.

"Dude," said Mr. Powers, 47, at his press conference, held in the Cheetoh-littered basement of his mother's home in Waukegan, "this is some freaky s---."  

What, exactly, was so freaky about this s---?

"I've been thinking forever- since I was like five or six- that there's, like, been some collusion between the military-industrial complex, the governments of all of the world's major powers, the Freemasons, the Jews and  Buddy Ebsen to control how we live. And I was right, which isn't a surprise. What's shocking is that I'm responsible, which I've never even considered that I even could be," said Powers, who fashioned his first tinfoil hat at the age of 4.

"So, like, last weekend I'm tripping balls, right? It's the best blotter I've ever dropped- better than that Zodiac that was going around in '84, and, anyway, I'm writing a post for my blog, TruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruth, about giant invisible rabbits in our midst, when I start thinking of green rabbits. So I say 'Green rabbits' three times, and all of a sudden I've got all these men in black crashing into my room here, led by this dude to my left, Mr. Oscar Goldman of the Office of Scientific Intelligence."

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Scientists Discover 'Winemuffs'

Find Correlation Between Boxed Wine and Tone Deafness

By Sherman N. Peabody
Madison, WI- The findings of a joint study conducted by the Department of Audiology of the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the Department of Psychiatry of McGill University (Montreal, QC, Canada) were released today , directly linking the cumulative effects of the consumption of boxed wine by humans to an inability to hear dog whistles.

"Entering the data collection phase of the study, " said Dr. Donald Olson of UW-M, "we weren't sure if wine-related tone deafness was determined by the aural environment- such as exposure to loud, whining talk radio programs  or the volume of jukeboxes in taverns- or from a wine-induced drunken state, or a combination of those factors. But we stumbled on to something a bit unexpected."

"That something being," added  Dr. Francis X. Dion of McGill,, "that one need be neither wine-drunk nor exposed to an environment  reverberating at excessive decibel levels to lose the ability to hear a dog whistle."

"There was a certain case study that demonstrated that there is a cumulative effect of drinking boxed wine on the anterior frontal lobe rather than the temporal lobes, which normally handle the auditory functions," said Olson. "That's when I contacted Dr. Dion."

"When I first saw the brain scans of that subject, whom we refer to as Ann A., who regularly consumed boxed wine, though she wasn't drinking at the time of this particular interview, and the critical thinking tasks being performed during the scan, I thought 'C'est craquƩ! How is it that this woman could not hear the dog whistles?'," said Dr. Dion, "It was so obvious! Further study showed us that Ann A. is an outlier in the study, but it was she who made us at McGill to join the study."

After further study, the team of scientists found that some groups tend to be more at risk of losing their ability to hear certain tones. "It looks as if Caucasians between the ages of 40-90-years of age are more susceptible, especially those who also feel an affinity for tea," said Olson.

"Mais alors, we should note that the test subjects may simply have been dishonest in their answers," added Dion.

The methodology and results can be read at the Daily Racing Form.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Pos-T-Vac Endorsers' Not-So-Shocking Simultaneous Suicides 

By Sherman N. Peabody

Washington, DC- In a turn of events that authorities are calling, "...totally foreseeable...," seven men, six who offered recorded testimonials on behalf of the Pos-T-Vac, the medically approved vacuum therapy system, have died in their homes across the United States. FBI spokeswoman Frances Langum informed the press that the bureau's team of forensic psychologists have come to the conclusion that the six spokesmen for the product, "...were driven to their ends by a deep and unsettling sense of  shameful embarrassment."

The deceased were identified as:
  • Gerardo Dones, aged 59, of Rancho Cucamonga, CA, "Latino Guy", who died of self-inflicted paper-cuts.
  • Ruben Harvey Goldberg IV, 59, of Parma, OH, "Black Guy", who died from a self-inflicted (longbow) arrow wound.
  • Steven Parker, 59, of Walla Walla, WA, "Professor Guy", who died of  self-inflicted drawing-and-quartering.
  • Matthew Van Landingham III, 59, of Truth Or Consequences, NM, "Creepy White Guy" who was electrocuted after sticking his tongue in a wall-mounted electrical socket. 
  • John Amato, 59, of Los Angeles, CA, "All-You-Can-Be Guy" who died of strangulation after hanging himself from the door of a closet.
  • Paul McCann, 59, of Pocatello, ID, "Scary White Guy", who overdosed on prescription male performance enhancement drugs.
  • Tommy "Fawn Lee McCann" Tamsat, 33, of Pocatello, ID, companion of Paul McCann, who was apparently bludgeoned to death with a bottle of  prescription male performance enhancement drugs.

Friday, October 8, 2010


By The Editors

We at the Far-Flung Flier would like to congratulate the winner of our September Far-Flung Fiction contest:  Job well done, Name Withheld By Request of Iowa City, IA, for  your story, "Dear Penthouse Forum", the story of a male student at a major Midwestern university and how he learns to love through lessons from his 38-year old Human Sexuality professor, her precocious 15-year old daughter and their trained beagle, Fluffy.

As always, if you'd like to read the winning story, you must subscribe to the hard copy edition of the F-FF.

We are now accepting submissions for October's Far-Flung Fiction contest. As we always say, keep 'em coming!    

O'Keefe Named AoS 'Hunk of the Year'

By Sherman N. Peabody

Valdosta, GA-  Ace of Spades, the on-line blog for conservative closeted homosexuals, announced today that it has named bad boy 'gotcha journalist' James O'Keefe the recipient of its annual Roy M. Cohn Sexiest Man of the Year Award.

O'Keefe was selected by a blue ribbon panel of high-profile conservative closeted homosexuals headed by former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, who announced O'Keefe as the winner at the prestigious Valdosta Chamber of Commerce and Men's Bathhouse. Appearing at the podium with his faithful and loving wife, Suzanne, Craig noted O'Keefe's contributions to the conservative movement in the field of journalism, and, "...his ability to seduce, uh, women at the tap of a toe. That is what my loving heterosexual wife- with whom I have a happy heterosexual marriage and enjoy much gleeful heterosexual intercourse involving fuzzy handcuffs, recording devices and the music of Alicia Keys- tells me."

Former conservative closeted homosexual and Congressional Representative Mark Foley, who served as the chairman of the Cohn  Award's panel from 2003 until 2006, was enthusiastic over Mr. O'Keefe's selection. "Twenty-six is a bit old for my tastes, but when I picture him in a Congressional pages outfit or thong underwear, the years just wash away." Foley added that he has, "...many Alicia Keys cds, my own fuzzy handcuffs and a sex taping machine."

"I invite Mr. O'Keefe to pay me a visit the next time he's in Florida- he can tap my wires any day," said Foley, referring to Mr. O'Keefe's recent brush with the law in Louisiana, in which O'Keefe was arrested for suspicion of wiretapping Senator Mary Landrieu's office. O'Keefe later plead guilty to the lesser misdemeanor of Criminal Seduction, admitting that he was attempting to overwhelm the Senator's sense of propriety by planting recordings of Alicia Keys in the Senator's office.    

O'Keefe, 26, a native of Bergen, New Jersey is the youngest winner of the Cohn Award since then-outgoing Senator Phil Gramm, aged 60-years at the time, was presented the award in 2002.   

Jesus Returns, Has 'Come To Jane' Moment

Decides To Delay Salvation After Confrontation With Liberal Blogger
By Sherman N. Peabody 

New York City- Messiah, Son of God or prophet to some, heretic, false prophet or purely mythical figure to others, Jesus Christ made a surprise appearance at the United Nations today, only to suddenly postpone his plans for returning humanity to the Garden of Eden.

"I apologize for the disappointment," said the long- time resident of the Holy Kingdom to a throng of supporters and onlookers gathered on the banks of the East River, "but after my conference call with the media, I've decided that We just don't have the energy to accomplish even half of what We have planned."

Following a meeting with the representatives of all Earthly nations in which an agreement was reached to end all want and warfare on the planet, Christ offered himself for a teleconference with any and all members of both the traditional and nontraditional media who wished to take part. That's when he ran into obstacles.

After reading a prepared statement in which he laid out plans to provide materially and spiritually for all on Earth- food and shelter for all, an end to disease, injury and death, and reuniting the living with deceased loved ones, ancestors and pets, Christ opened the teleconference to questions. He was then confronted with the cynicism of the punditry and press in the form of Jane Hamsher, former Hollywood producer and currently a self-styled liberal blogger and political activist.

"This all sounds very nice and all," remarked Hamsher, currently of Washington D.C., "but when will we get our unicorns?"

Christ's answer, that His Father had never created such a mythical creature, instead allowing all of life on Earth evolve naturally drew the ire of Ms. Hamsher.

"Look," replied Hamsher, "I have suffered through three bouts of cancer, and though I've denied You at times- like Your Apostle, Peter- in my heart of hearts I believed in Your message of hope. I hoped for a unicorn and will settle for nothing less!"

After Christ again informed Hamsher that this was impossible under God's Law, Hamsher repeatedly accused the native of Nazareth, Judea (now Israel) of being what she termed an "O-Bot", "...just another of sheep...," and, "...a ------- shill for the DNC!"

Christ replied that in the Heavenly primary, which in 2007 was held on its traditional date of December 26, He had led the campaign for John Edwards. "I was just as shocked as the rest of you when those allegations in the [National] Enquirer turned out to be true. The next chance I got to vote was in the general [election], and you don't think I voted for McCain and the whack-job, do you? I'm a Jew, and those of Us of that persuasion in Heaven tend to vote the Democratic ticket...Magdalene always writes in Kucinich...But My Apostles, the female vote and the  baptised babies have always voted Democratic, unlike the Popes, who went for McCain."

Unsatisfied, Ms. Hamsher delivered a twenty-minute diatribe blaming Christ and His Father for a range of historical misdeeds from misogyny in the Catholic Church to the Spanish Inquisition to the cancellation of FOX Television's Arrested Development.
Christ, seemingly unperturbed, if not a bit impatient, declined to comment, and asked if others had questions. At this point, Mr. Glenn Greenwald, a libertarian blogger and co-founder with Ms. Hamsher of a political action committee, asked Christ if rapture wasn't "...just another name for renditioning?"

At this point, Christ canceled the teleconference with the statement, "For My sake! You people are f------ impossible! I'm going home. I'll see some of you later."

After wishing good luck to those gathered at the United Nations, He bodily ascended to rejoin His Father amidst a clamor of questions from gathered reporters. "There's always next year," He said. "Go, Cubs, Go!"