Pos-T-Vac Endorsers' Not-So-Shocking Simultaneous Suicides
By Sherman N. Peabody
Washington, DC- In a turn of events that authorities are calling, "...totally foreseeable...," seven men, six who offered recorded testimonials on behalf of the Pos-T-Vac, the medically approved vacuum therapy system, have died in their homes across the United States. FBI spokeswoman Frances Langum informed the press that the bureau's team of forensic psychologists have come to the conclusion that the six spokesmen for the product, "...were driven to their ends by a deep and unsettling sense of shameful embarrassment."
The deceased were identified as:
- Gerardo Dones, aged 59, of Rancho Cucamonga, CA, "Latino Guy", who died of self-inflicted paper-cuts.
- Ruben Harvey Goldberg IV, 59, of Parma, OH, "Black Guy", who died from a self-inflicted (longbow) arrow wound.
- Steven Parker, 59, of Walla Walla, WA, "Professor Guy", who died of self-inflicted drawing-and-quartering.
- Matthew Van Landingham III, 59, of Truth Or Consequences, NM, "Creepy White Guy" who was electrocuted after sticking his tongue in a wall-mounted electrical socket.
- John Amato, 59, of Los Angeles, CA, "All-You-Can-Be Guy" who died of strangulation after hanging himself from the door of a closet.
- Paul McCann, 59, of Pocatello, ID, "Scary White Guy", who overdosed on prescription male performance enhancement drugs.
- Tommy "Fawn Lee McCann" Tamsat, 33, of Pocatello, ID, companion of Paul McCann, who was apparently bludgeoned to death with a bottle of prescription male performance enhancement drugs.
Langum noted that the FBI wasn't certain that all of the spokesmen were suicides until Los Angeles police found Amato's badly misspelled suicide note ("Gudby crool whirled! THIS SUCKS!") in a bag of Cheetos cheese curls.
"The LAPD at first believed that Amato's death was accidental," added Langum. "Mr. Amato has been revived by emergency responders eight times in the last three years after he lost consciousness in the act of vigorous auto-erotic asphyxiation. However, there had never been suicide notes in the past."
Ed Stewart, President of Pos-T-Vac could not be reached for comment.
The Far-Flung Flier was able, however, to contact the inventor of the device, eccentric British sex toy magnate Sir Richard "Peter" Pumper, 1st Baron of Sperm-on-Teets, who made the point to say that the Pos-T-Vac, "...wasn't designed for therapy, but simply to simulate fellatio for those who haven't had in some time."
Pumper, world-famous for making ballooning history by being the first man to make a solo Transatlantic flight in an oversized lubricated and ribbed condom with reservoir tip, added, "I told them not to market the Electric Blowjob this way. When I heard that they had, I expected these deaths sooner rather than later."