Blogger Bradley Powers
Spontaneously Combusts In Solipsistic Flourish After Admission
By Sherman N. Peabody
Waukegan, IL- Conspiracy theorist and blogger Bradley Powers of suburban Chicago spent the last 15 years convincing tens of people that the world is controlled by a highly secretive, malevolent cabal. Little did he know that at the center of that cabal was Bradley Powers.
"Dude," said Mr. Powers, 47, at his press conference, held in the Cheetoh-littered basement of his mother's home in Waukegan, "this is some freaky s---."
What, exactly, was so freaky about this s---?
"I've been thinking forever- since I was like five or six- that there's, like, been some collusion between the military-industrial complex, the governments of all of the world's major powers, the Freemasons, the Jews and Buddy Ebsen to control how we live. And I was right, which isn't a surprise. What's shocking is that I'm responsible, which I've never even considered that I even could be," said Powers, who fashioned his first tinfoil hat at the age of 4.
"So, like, last weekend I'm tripping balls, right? It's the best blotter I've ever dropped- better than that Zodiac that was going around in '84, and, anyway, I'm writing a post for my blog, TruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruthTruth, about giant invisible rabbits in our midst, when I start thinking of green rabbits. So I say 'Green rabbits' three times, and all of a sudden I've got all these men in black crashing into my room here, led by this dude to my left, Mr. Oscar Goldman of the Office of Scientific Intelligence."
"That's right," said the long-time director of the OSI, "Mr. Powers himself created 'Green rabbits' as his safe word in 1966. And I can tell you, quite honestly, that Mr. Powers is the force behind each and every conspiracy over the last 47 years."
Goldman continued,"Shortly before his death, Edsel Ford, who was the Shadow Emperor of Earth, tasked the OSI with creating a super human for the purposes of keeping humanity in line. We at the OSI gathered genetic material from the world's greatest movers and shakers of the 20th Century- Hitler, von Braun, Mao, Lenin, Dali, Stalin, Ebsen and Ty Cobb- and we created a single spermatozoa, which we used to fertilize an egg donated by Ayn Rand, the zygote which we then implanted into Mrs. Barb Powers of Waukegan. Mrs Powers was completely unaware."
"I always thought," interrupted Mrs. Powers,"it couldn't have been Paul [Powers, her late husband], because he was at boot camp then. He didn't talk to me for a week when he got leave. I always referred to Bradley as Little Jesus! Now I know I was wrong- he wasn't Little Jesus at all. And I'd like to apologize to Mr. David Przybysz, our old milkman, for making him worry for all of those years."
Goldman continued,"OSI had a team of psychics, remote watchers, monitoring Bradley, mining his precocious brain in order to plot the next move. He was only two weeks old when he came up with the idea to assassinate President Kennedy. He had us gather a team of CIA agents led by Irene Ryan to get the job done. It was Bradley's idea to have Ms. Ryan positioned on the underpass to take the kill shot. Then there were the faked moon landings, the oil crisis, sabotaging the car that ran on water, Elvis' death, the Reagan Presidency, the 1982 Indy 500...Everything that Israel has done since 1967, the election of 2000, and, of course, the 9/11/01 conspiracy..."
"Yeah," interrupted Mr. Powers, who earned his Associate's degree in Film Appreciation at the College of Lake County's Waukegan campus in 1987, earning an A- on his term paper on the films directed by Ron Howard, "I'd really like to apologize to Dylan Avery and his friends for criticizing the first cut of Loose Change , because there really was a B-52..."
It was at this point when Mr. Powers ignited into a ball of flame, ending the official press conference. Reporters from the Far-Flung Flier were able to ask Mr. Goldman, as he waited for a taxi, what the cabal planned on doing next.
"Fortunately, Bradley devised a Plan B, which we refer to as Plan B, in 1969. Everyone in the world gets cider and donuts tomorrow- on us."
Buddy Ebsen could not be reached for comment.